My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Isn’t
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
So many pants.
So little yoga.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
The French cow says MEUX…
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster