Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
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My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.