“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I want to meet the individual who made this
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.