I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?