GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
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yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…