Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too