“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
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Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.