Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.