*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
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One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool