computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
You Might Also Like
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.