Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
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On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.