Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
mood
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
another case of gang violins
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner