Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die