[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
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My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I feel attacked.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”