my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
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Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Mornin
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I hate when that happens.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down