*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
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I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
#JohnTravolta
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.