My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
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What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.