Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
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“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Bond. Trauma bond.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.