streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
You Might Also Like
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I feel this so hard
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro