My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
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What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
(2022)
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs