[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
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Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”