ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
You Might Also Like
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs