Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
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I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Smooooooth
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.