I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
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Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Encore…
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Are you a cat person or a person person?
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan