You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
You Might Also Like
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
#Caturday
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.