If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”