From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
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Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Money is the root of all wealth
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.