JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
The little toadstool has spoken.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!