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Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
A short story of betrayal:
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!