i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
oh my gosh!!
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.