I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
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Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I have so many questions.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.