Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
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Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️