“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
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If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
You learn something every day
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.