Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Danger is very dangerous
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.