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Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
LMAO.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”