*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
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[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are