me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?