I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
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Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Cheer up.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*