A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
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Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.