internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
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8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…