This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
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My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.