[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I know karate and tons of other words.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
mmm onion ringos
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)