The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
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My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
This is hilarious….
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
is this store having a stroke wtf