The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
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5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me irl
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
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