(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
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If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!