Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
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Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Thank you corporation very cool
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
my first dose meeting my second
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!