If you breakdance you buy dance.
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I feel it
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
What’s a Messi?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.