Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
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[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
The biggest mystery of our time
I would move hell over six inches for you
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?