If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.