I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
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I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Jail
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer